Honking Box Preview: American Idol

It feels like all of two minutes ago that we were tearing strips off the final twelve of American Idol, and yet, somehow, here we are at the finale. To be honest, we didn’t think we’d even stick with it (see also: Big Brother 8, Castaway, any news programme lasting more than one minute), but it’s actually thrown up a veritable mezze of entertainment gold.

We’ve seen Ryan Seacrest defending Paula’s garbled gin-psychosis; Danny Noriega pwning Cowell with the single snap of a neck; Ramiele Malubay’s snot-waterfall; Teri Hatcher singing country and western, and let’s not forget the classic torrent of atrocious over-patriotic group performances. And quite how we’ve made it this far without putting a fist through the TV at the Chicago Town sponsorship bumpers is a mystery.

Much as we’d have loved a Brooke/Carly final, we certainly can’t complain about the presence of the awesome David Cook, who could well be the most deserving winner since Carrie Underwood. Not that we have anything against Jordin Sparks, but at the end of the day, she’s effectively just Leona Lewis with a bit more meat and a LOT more personality.

Of course, this is assuming he can fight off the intense competition from tweenage robo-throb David Archuleta, who in spite of an impressive voice, looks like he should be gracing the front of a Play Doh Fun Factory box. Yes, we’ve got an All-David final, as was predicted by many early on in the contest (just to clarify, this does not include he-lap-dancer and severe victim of gayface, David Hernandez). So we’ve picked each finalist apart for you to make an informed decision. It’s completely impartial, as you’ll see…

Looking at each finalist’s credentials, it’s hard not to think of the first ever Pop Idol final, and the showdown between Will Young and Gareth Gates. Sure, David Cook isn’t a snotty, middle-class, fudge-packing, arrogant Marxist spunkbubble with a voice that could sink a cargo ship, but in terms of it being Musician vs Pop Puppet, there are certainly parallels.

So, in short, we’re Team Cook all the way. The results will be aired on ITV2 this Friday, but you’ll have to avoid the ENTIRE internet from Wednesday if you don’t want to find out before then. Ever the pessimists though, we’re sure Archuleta will walk it, so be sure to check back later this week for a bile-heavy ‘Ump column. Grrr, snarl, etc.