Honking Box Review: The Apprentice

When we covered the first episode of this series of The Apprentice back in March, we had yet to determine which candidates would fulfil which roles. And we were disappointed at an apparent lack of disapproving looks from Margaret Mountford and Nick Hewer (undoubtedly the key pleasures of the show). However, last night’s show provided enough Mountford/Hewer Specials to last the entire season, and firmly cemented that no other series of The Apprentice has ever presented the viewers of Britain with such a vicious, dislikeable array of utter, utter cunts.

Given the task of designing a new range of greetings cards, not only did the contestants demonstrate their ample nasty streaks, but also their unfathomable stupidity. As if having climate change rammed down our throats by every retailer, media outlet and precocious schoolkid wasn’t enough, Jenny Celerier – the only woman on Earth capable of pleasuring herself with her own chin – somehow thought the public would buy into the concept of preaching the message via a greetings card. Who did she think would actually part with money for such vacuous crap? Hell, why not just send a turd in the post? It’d get the “I fucking detest you” message across far clearer (plus you’d be saving the paper that the card would’ve been printed on, never mind that you’re also recycling your waste).

While it would have been hugely satisfying to see Jenny crash and burn last night, it was rightly the weak, naïve Kevin who got the boot after his catastrophic failure as team leader. And although you’d imagine feeling a degree of guilt at seeing the Pillsbury Dough Boy get the pwning of his life, Kevin proved himself a big enough tosspot to justify every last hyperbole flung at him by Yesralan. Nevertheless, the episode still served to highlight exactly what a putrid bitch Jenny is. I think it’s safe to say we’ve determined this year’s Katie Hopkins.

Even early favourite Lee McQueen, who stood out as one of the few good guys, proved himself – in the space of a 30-second period at the end of last night’s show – to be a vile, bullying scumlord. His tag-team assault on Sara along with nasal, hateful pussy-boy Alex Wotherspoon made for seriously uncomfortable viewing, and proved that his approach as salt-of-the-earth barrah-boy is merely a mask for his true self as an evil, revenue-hungry business demon. If only he could mask his inch-deep pockmarks as easily.

But it’s Alex himself who takes the title of Candidate Most Deserving of a Multitude of Uppercuts. You can’t help but wonder what he’s plotting when he’s silently chewing the inside of his cheek as pandemonium unfolds all around him. Still, maybe it’s not as sinister as all that – he may just need something to do to keep his forked tongue occupied when it’s not firing poison at the weaker contestants.

Strangely, early nobber Raef has proved himself to be quite the contender. In spite of the Etonian fop-nob exterior, Raef seemingly has a fairly level head on his shoulders, and more importantly, plays fair – an even more admirable quality amidst such a hideous gaggle of villains. But of course, special mention must go to the endearingly soft Lucinda, whose steadfast refusal to stray from her cushion-collecting, cat-owning flower fairy manner has to be seen to be believed (never mind the fact that she turns up for tasks dressed as Penny Crayon).

So we’re officially throwing our weight behind Lucinda “The Legend” Ledgerwood as she strenuously and unfalteringly flies the crocheted flag for that ever-shrinking minority, nice people. A minority which, after that rant, we’re probably no longer part of…