This week's Celebrity News with Fearne Cotton

Hi kiddies! It’s me, pretentious hook-nosed Camden parasite Fearne Cotton! I spell my name stupidly, cos it gives me an indie, like, edge. Cos I’m really cool and stuff, I’m going to personally bring you this week’s Celebrity News myself, wearing stripey tights and a tutu, cos that’s how cool people dress.

YEAH! Rock on!! Congratulations to rocking Finland, who rocked the Eurovision Song Contest with their hot-rockin’ rock song! Poor ol’ Daz Sampson came 95th, which is a bit of a shame. Maybe he should have worked with the Arctic Monkeys, who I’ve been told are really really cool and rockin’, and are my absolute favourite rock band.

The Tower of London was totally rocked this week after a really cool rocking concert featuring some awesome indie bands like The Embraces and McFly. Also present was the rockin’ cool Ozzy Osbourne who has decided to cash in on his reality TV profile by trying his hand at rock music. They got Cat fucking Deeley to host though, and she’s not rock at all. Bet she’s never even longingly walked past the Electric Ballroom like I do twice daily.

Such a shame to hear about the separation of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills this week. Actually, Sir Paul, if you’re in need of a hot rockin’ gal to get on board with, I can accommodate anyone who’ll up my profile. You’ll have to prove you’re a rockin’ rocker though, I haven’t actually heard your stuff.

Now, if you’re a member of any kind of band, or the owner of a snazzy thrift shop, feel free to get in touch with me at fearne.cotton@bbc.co.uk – I’m never short of a rock cock to collapse on my back for, or a nice sparkly kaftan to match with a pair of bovver boots. Gotta keep up the cred, man. Rock on. xxx