This week's Celebrity News with Noel Edmonds

Hello, East Wing. Hello, West Wing. Twenty-two boxes. One prop telephone. And just one question – Deal or No... oh hang on, that’s something else.

This [dramatic pause] is the Celebrity News.

It would seem that Patrick Swayze has been voted Sexiest Male by Cosmopolitan magazine. For some reason, their chart had no placing for a certain silver fox that makes many a sophisticated lady go weak at the knees. Perhaps the Cosmo offices getting firebombed should be added to my lunar wishlist.

Billie Piper has signed a deal to write her autobiography, at the age of just 12. Her story is a moving one – when Something Deep Inside failed to make the top three, I think we all felt her pain. Let’s all join hands and think positive that she has recovered from such a blow.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?... Yes.... Mm-hmm... I see.

[PUTS PHONE DOWN]

The Banker says that he likes the way Simon Cowell is playing the game. It’s been revealed that Cowell makes $20 million a year from American Idol. Now, it’s no Deal or No Deal, but it’s one heck of a money-spinner. Perhaps, like me, Simon’s sold his soul to the devil. After all, Steve Brookstein was his Blobbyworld.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to carve pentagrams into my fist to appease the mystic overlords.