The 'Ump: Fergie

To those of you who are yet to encounter the solo debut from Black Eyed Peas fluffer and all-round bag of noise Fergie, we suggest you try to avoid it as long as possible.

A Sloppy Dog insider had the misfortune pleasure of chilling wit’ da Peas when recording Monkey Business in London. During this time, our spy was exposed to Fergie’s solo material, which, we’re informed, at the time sounded “good – a bit slow and Joss Stoney”. Which begs the question: why does London Bridge sound like a comedy one-man band falling down a spiral staircase?

We keep hearing comparisons to Nelly Furtado’s ace Maneater and Gwen Stefani’s untouchably fan-fucking-tastic Hollaback Girl, but personally we’re finding it hard to distance it from Jentina’s Bad Ass Strippa. We’re especially intrigued by the lyric “I’m a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho”, and feel that “I’m a ho, but I’m looking like a bloke” would be far more fitting.

We’ve never been Fergie-haters, and were only alerted to the dangers circa My Humps, but in the harsh light of day, we now realise that being part of one good song (Shut Up, shamefully) does not make up for said Humps, or London Bridge, or the worst styling since Cat Deeley wore those denim dungarees with a gold lamé blouse on CD:UK (if you remember this, you’ll realise that wasn’t an overly gay bitchy comment, merely a frightening observation).

Stacy Ferguson, you unsightly bulldog: you are hereby officially dubbed The Ultimate Godmother of Pramface, And Roughest Woman In The Music Industry (Apart From Mary J. Bilge – Not A Typo). Take your absurd mammaries, your Elizabeth Duke get-up, and never utter our dear city’s name again.