Honking Box Preview: The X Factor

Apparently, The X Factor is on our screens at the moment. Not that you’d know, of course, with it being such a modest and unassuming non-event. With the final 12 now selected, and the live shows a-looming, it’s time to put the poor, unsuspecting muppets under the microscope. Simon’s already set the series up for a male win, giving the Boys to the supposed Midas touch of Cheryl Cole, plus giving himself an all-male Over 25s. But what does he know, eh? The definitive rundown of this year’s finalists – without any of Cowell’s delusions of perfection tainting matters – is right here...

The girls, mentored by Dannii Minogue
While everyone’s gushing about Simon and Cheryl’s categories – not least Simon and Cheryl themselves – it’s Team Minogue that carries the most potential from where we’re standing. Plus, we love an underdog, and Dannii is nothing if not that. And while we’d have loved to see Rozelle Philip in here, it’s hard to fault Dannii’s choices:

Lucie Jones
Virginal songbird hailing from the arse-end of nowhere, Lucie Jones has a strong chance of being the X Factor’s first Welsh winner. Likeable, gifted and photogenic, she’s yet to give a performance anything less than brilliant, although her apparent penchant for soppy balladry could prove to be a hurdle during Acid House Week or Cradle of Filth Week.

Rachel Adedeji
A surname Holly Willoughby has pronounced about 18 different ways on the almost-unwatchable Xtra Factor so far, and not one of them right, Rachel Adedeji could well be a dark horse in this year’s competition. Her take on Pink’s Nobody Knows in front of the Sisters of No Expression showcased a rawness and a sincerity no other finalist has yet matched.

Stacey Solomon
The endearingly daft Stacey is already polarising opinion, her Essextacular word-diarrhoea making her a firm Marmite contestant. We here at The Sloppy Dog love the contrast between the fact she talks like Roland Rat and trills like an angel with its own vocal coach – twinned with her backstory, it makes her another formidable contender within Team Minogue.

The boys, mothered by HRH Cheryl Cole
As we all know, National Treasure Cheryl Cole can do no wrong. Except select finalists, where she’s majorly bollocksed up, three for three. How Duane Lamonte evaded a spot is inconceivable, and although Abercrombie Ethan may not have been anything wildly amazing, he was by far the safest bet for a win. But instead of listening to her head, or even her heart for that matter, she’s evidently gone with her uterus, opting for a trio of adolescent ineptitude:

Joseph McElderry
Clearly only though to the live finals in a display of Geordie solidarity on Cheryl’s part, Joseph is equal parts Eoghan Quigg and Leon Jackson – both finalists, sure, but certainly not something you’d ever want to recreate. Beige to the point of complete irrelevance, it’s hard to see him lasting more than a few weeks, unless the 0191 massive disregard the lack of talent.

Lloyd Daniels
Another weak-vocalled tweenage option, Cheryl’s made a foolish choice putting both Lloyd and Joseph through, thus splitting the Nana vote. Lloyd probably carries the unenviable title of worst singer in the competition (though John & Edward aren’t far behind), which should at least provide some degree of humour once the live shows kick off.

Rikki Loney
Perhaps the most likely candidate to get Cheryl the trophy a second year running, but given his contemporaries on Team Cole are essentially singing Bash Street Kids, that’s hardly a compliment. Rikki displays a far more distinctive style than the other two, and carries a faint quality of musicianship, but will the public be able to look beyond his frankly demonic eyebrows?

The groups, misdirected by Louis Walsh
Why do they even bother with groups anymore? Seriously, what’s the point? Not only is the entire show weighted in favour of soloists, but the category is gifted to a man whose only successes are miming buffoons covering Cliff Richard. This does not bode well for the two girl groups he’s selected, although we maintain he’d have had a genuine shot had things gone differently for the tremendous Miss Fitz. Instead, we’re stuck with...

Kandy Rain
By their own admission, Kandy Rain are desperate to move away from their image of cheap, PVC-clad go-go hos. Maybe ditching the cheap, PVC go-go ho look would be a start. Although their vocals aren’t bad (their shocking first audition notwithstanding), they’re certainly no better than Girlband or Bad Lashes, who both outshone Kandy Rain in the class stakes yet lasted all of two seconds last year. A dead cert for the bottom two this coming Saturday.

Miss Frank
A slap in the face for the hundreds of legitimate girl groups shown the door, Miss Frank were cobbled together at Boot Camp from three soloists. Admittedly, it’s worked far better than it has for 2007’s ghastly trollopfest Hope, perhaps due to the significant talents of Graziella Affinita front-and-centre, even if she does look like Mutya had she eaten Siobhan and Keisha. Louis’ best shot at a win by a mile.

John & Edward
And, of course, The X Factor wouldn’t be The X Factor without its perennial comedy contestant for one judge to spew hate upon. However, Same Difference, Chico and the Macdonald Brothers have nothing on these odious little scrotes, who’ve stolen the Conway Sisters’ crown of Most Hated X Factor Finalist before the live shows have even begun. Sure, they’ll provide a talking point, but for a category already in the red, it’s a genuine waste of a place in the live shows.

The Over 25s, flaunted smugly by Simon Cowell
It’s always fun to see Simon Cowell brought down to Earth with a thud. Once again convinced he’s going to walk it, we look forward to a recreation of the expression of horror when Slimy Ashley was turfed out during Series 3. That said, he’s got two bright hopes in his category, so we shouldn’t get too excited for a rude awakening...

Danyl Johnson
Cocky, arrogant, and intensely dislikeable, Danyl’s desperation almost trumps that of Austin Drage. The ‘bisexual’ schtick is a clear attempt not to dissuade female voters, while his sense of entitlement is beyond belief – with any luck it’ll be the thing that trips him up. And if he hits his face repeatedly on the way down, well, what can ya do?

Olly Murs
Labelled as a ‘risk’ by Simon Cowell, when frankly he’s the most bankable artist in the whole category, Olly’s pitch as a sort of Nisa Today Justin Timberlake will no doubt grab the teenage girls’ votes. That said, Cowell’s oft-bizarre choices for his artists tend to result in all kinds of catastrophe, so don’t be surprised if the Olly we know now is soon twisted into a Groanin’ Ronan redux.

Jamie Archer
And finally, what might well be this year’s best shot at the final, and potential Sloppy Dog favourite, Jamie (bear in mind, it’s still TBC for now – we supported Rozelle and Miss Fitz, and look what happened to them). Jamie’s individuality in terms of both style and vocals make him a very interesting prospect indeed, and we rub our hands with glee at the thought of him telling Cowell where to stick his suggestion of You Raise Me Up.

We’ll be back this Saturday for a liveblog of the first live show. Please be aware, the above may be later amended in the event of us getting any predictions wrong and looking anything resembling stupid.