Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Sloppy Dog LiveBlog: The X Factor Results

Good evening, one and all, as we embark on Part Two of our live coverage of The X Factor trainwreck. Tonight will inevitably see some major backtracking from Dannii in spite of her being totally right; Louis absent in the wake of the frankly shocking news about Stephen Gately; and Kandy Rain heading back to the ropier end of Wardour Street. Hit refresh for updates, as, according to the overdramatic voiceover guy, IT'S TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC!!! Yeah, whatevz.

And we kick off with Simon giving a tribute to Stephen Gately in the same way he'd critique a performance. Of course, it's not as if they could keep it a sombre affair when Alexandra Burke is due to get all sassy up in this bizniz. Did they mention she's back to perform, by the way?

NO!!!! A group song!!!! Inevitable horror.

I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas is the track chosen for a butchering, and by God, are they doing some butchering. The male contestants - collectively and individually - sound horrific. Meanwhile, Kandy Rain are making up for the PVC atrocities of last night by coming dressed as B*Witched. Christ, this is horrible.

Well, it wasn't as bad as some of the American Idol group singalongs, which can, on occasion, be on a par with genocide. But that was still some major suckage right there. The X Factor doesn't have a great history of group performances - last year's two stabs at Hero saw (a) two contestants stuck behind a malfunctioning door, and (b) all of three seconds as backing singers for Mariah Carey, equipped with dummy mics.

They've chosen to leave Dannii's comments out of the recap. Let's clarify - she wasn't being homophobic. She was calling out an arrogant prick, who chose to sell up his bisexuality to the scabloids, then made a mahoosive stink about doing a female song but went to lengths to change the gender references. Of course, the majority of the ITV1 audience can just about use their brain to determine the most effective way of scratching their arses. It's safe to say they won't 'get' it.

Alexandra's back! Let's count how many times she uses the word 'literally'.

It's FloRida! Again, are ITV1's core audience ready for this? He doesn't sit on a stool in a white suit singing Mandy, thus it's beyond their sparse, burbling capacity. So for our benefits, can he please segue into Low?

Killer performance, in fairness. Will they sabotage Robbie's upcoming performance to give Alexandra a head start in next week's chart battle? Here's hoping.

The fake laughing from the gathered shitehawks when the camera falls over in the Heart advert is unbearable. It's almost as annoying as that fucking Go Compare shitshower.

The phonelines have now closed, according to Dermot. How are they expecting to fill a whole hour? Oh, it seems the majority of airtime is being used to plaster over Dannii's remarks about Fucking Danyl. Christ on a bike, love, stand up for yourself. You were RIGHT! Or is this a direct response to Anton DuBeke and his racial faux pas? Next week: Flavia Cacace 'accidentally' offends the disabled community. The following week: Simon Cowell counters it by getting Olly to perform in black-and-white minstrel garb whilst tearing up a picture of the Pope.

Yep, they've sabotaged Robbie's performance. Or maybe he's just this shit. In yesterday's Single Reviews, we pondered whether he was any less arrogant after the rightful flop of Rudebox. Turns out not so much.

And we're about to learn who's through. First back is John & Edward. Fuck each and every cunt that picked up the phone for these tosspots. Lucie's through too, which: yay. Lloyd is through too - see comment for John & Edward, with perhaps a little less vitriol.

Jamie's through, as is Rikki. Woo-hoo and meh respectively. Stacey's also safe. However, any happiness we feel about this is nullified by the fact that Danyl has gotten through. See the John & Edward comment again, and MULTIPLY IT BY A MILLION.

Joe is safe, meaning all of Team Talentless are through. Next through are, thankfully, Miss Frank, leaving Olly, Rachel and Kandy Rain. HMMMM. WHO COULD IT BE?

We can't even be smug about being right. It was so unbelievably predictable we'd be seeing a Rachel/Kandy Rain bottom two, it's as guaranteed as the sun rising or Monday following Sunday or Fearne Cotton saying she 'LOVES' whichever song she just played, regardless of whether she's heard it or not. Do we think the judges will make the right choice and save Rachel, or give Louis the pity vote and keep Kandy Rain?

Oh, poor Rachel. She's barely keeping it together. It's obviously nowhere near as bad as Alexandra Burke's snivelling during Hallelujah post-win, but it's a shame given what a great job she did of Nobody Knows in Dubai last week.

Kandy Rain's farewell anthem is Christina Aguilera's Fighter. What, they couldn't go with their gut and do Dirrty?

Holy shit. THAT's why the little Asian one never gets a lead vocal.

Kandy Rain get one vote of support by default in Louis' absence. Are we SURE he'd have saved them? He dressed them like that. Cheryl and Dannii, obviously, save Rachel. And similarly predictably, Simon Cowell's erection opts for Kandy Rain.

DEADLOCK! How very dramatic. You can tell Dermot loves that bit.

And the act going home is... Kandy Rain. No shit.

Their best bits are referred to as their 'journey'. Concealed cuss or what? Much as we didn't like Kandy Rain, they were by no means the worst act in the competition. They deserved a place in next week's show way more than Lloyd, John & Edward, Danyl or Rikki. But this is The X Factor, the place where girl groups crash and burn in spectacular style, year in, year out. Next week sees Cheryl take the stage to perform her wack-as-you-like debut single, so we'll see whether solo girlbanders also turn to runny shite under the glare of the X. That said, we maintain Miss Fitz would've utterly pwned. Sadface.

And that is that. Kandy Rain go home to complete indifference from anyone, the world continues to turn, and Dermot looks ahead to next week, when not only Cheryl will be miming along to a pre-recorded 'live' vocal, but Whitney Houston will be making her first UK television appearance in 12 years. So, to warm you up, we shall bid you goodnight and leave you with this gem from 'Whitney' on MadTV...

1 comment:

jds said...

Fuck watching it on tv...I'd rather read this for the truth...

Creative Commons Licence
The Sloppy Dog by is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.