The Sloppy Dog LiveBlog: The X Factor

...And it's a no from us. Oh sorry, didn't see you there - we were dreaming of sending Danyl packing at the first audition, and therefore spared the weeks of dramatics which with any luck will come to an end tonight. Good evening, by the way, and Gawd bless your cottons for joining us tonight. Keep hitting refresh for updates.

20:01
Ah, the obligatory intro VTs showcasing the acts, fuckloads of shouty voiceovers, and the judges giving it all "I'm determined to win, screw the others" and general bravado. Meh.

20:03
Wow. New set. Looks rather nice, all things considered - it's clear to see where ITV1 are spunking their budget. That inevitably means they've cut the catering at Emmerdale. And here, all shiny and pedestal-tastic, are the judges. Cheryl's frock channels the very essence of Gala Bingo.

20:07
Oh, poor Rachel. The curse of First Act On means she'll inevitably be sat in the bottom two along with Kandy Rain. Mind you, she's chosen to sing Let Me Entertain You, so she may well deserve it. As an aside, why have they made her look like a female Grace Jones?

20:11
'Misunderestimated'? The X Factor: helping singers realise their dreams and urinating on the English language since 2004.

20:13
Dermot's reiterating that it's not easy to open the first live show, but fails to mention it's because this guarantees a spot in the bottom two. Voices With Soul! Addictiv Ladies! Brummie Kimberley! Girlband! It's X Factor suicide. Well, that and singing a song not from the Authorised Songbook of Cowell™,which is pretty much Unchained Melody, You Raise Me Up and that fucking Roberta Flack thing he always wheels out.

20:18
Bless Kandy Rain, desperate to reiterate they're not a bunch of go-go scutters. Maybe calling yourself Coco when your name is Victoria isn't the best way to go, then. Christ, they're in tears already, and they've not even performed. Meeting Robbie Williams will do that to you.

20:20
They're singing Addicted To Love! Big mistake. It's the same song they gave to Rebecca Loos, and therefore in this context translates as "Addicted To Cock". The Irish one has cat-ears made from her weave. Meanwhile, they've wisely given the one with permanently-surprised eyebrows a fringe.

20:23
Cheryl and Dannii, you nailed it. Dress like whores, be seen as whores. Of course, Simon's all defensive of the Cameltoe Collective, but Chezza stands her ground. About the first time she's warranted her National Treasure tag. Let's hope their Sing-Off Anthem tomorrow is a slightly wiser choice, namely not My Neck, My Back by Khia.

20:26
Oh good, it's Olly. That was sarcasm, by the way. He's doing a Robbie song, which is all kinds of arselicky, and he freely boasts about three hugs they shared. Dude, you're on primetime television. The fanboy schtick MUST stop.

20:27
He's doing She's The One, by the way. That would be a World Party song, not a Robbie Williams song. The vocals suck donkey cock, big time. BUT he's in a Fred Perry shirt, thus reinforcing he's a nice normal lad who loves his nan.

20:30
Louis, that is NOT 'making the song your own'. David Cook doing Hello is making the song your own. Adam Lambert reworking Tracks Of My Tears is making the song your own. Christ, even that version of Respect that Miss Frank hiccupped their way through in Lake Como was making the song your own. Speaking of Louis, has he had extensive work done since we saw him in Italy last week? He's only recognisable by his utterly retarded comments.

20:36
And so we come to Team Talentless, headed up by, ironically, their most talented member. Rikki Loney, possessor of Satan's own eyebrows, boasts a voice that's fairly impressive when singing, but fundamentally, as gay as John Inman advertising Aussiebum underwear at a Pride march when speaking. Christ knows what that sentence will do to our Google-determined advertising. He's doing Back To Black, and not very well.

20:41
Louis mentions a contestant's region! DRINK!

20:45
Dannii doing an Essex accent. Exhibit A as to why she's the best judge on this wonderful shitshower. Stacey Solomon, we salute you. Who else can talk like Roland Rat and follow it with a performance this good? Lord knows her performance of The Scientist shits all over Diana Vickers' stab at Yellow last year. *shudder*

20:47
And the bar has been raised. The new 'do is a tad ropey, mind. Stacey FTW!

20:49
And Exhibit A as to why Grace Dent should be made Queen of the World: "can you dye my hair so i look like the monster off of the dark crystal." (That's her take on Stacey in the hairdressers, via Twitter, as we realise how very random this may look to those not in the know.)

20:55
It's Miss Frank, the lone hope for Louis this year. They're doing everything they can to make themselves believe it's better to go through as a group than as soloists, otherwise known as a 'Ones From Hope Wot Aren't Phoebe'. BTW, for the benefit of the dozens of people who've found The Sloppy Dog by asking Google what nationality Graziella is, she's Filipino. And clearly, she loves her lumpia.

20:57
Who's Loving You. A world of meh.

20:59
"Powerfulness" - another blow for the English language. Not a great performance, but with any luck it'll at least get them through to next week, when Graziella can inevitably pwn the competition with another dose of awesomeness.

21:02
"You're a better singer than me," Robbie Williams tells Jamie Archer. Something he could say to all the acts, in fairness. And pretty much the entire music industry, Jennifer Lopez included. And, well, a good 98% of the population, we imagine. Jamie's giving Get It On a rather trite airing, all overproduced backing and epaulettes. Sadly, it sucks a tad.

21:06
Cheryl's talking about confidence and insecurity and what she sees in Jamie's eyes. Love, the last thing this world needs is another Judi James. Apart from perhaps another Mika.

21:14
Next up, Lloyd Daniels, a mere child whose first audition was genuinely atrocious, and yet, it's only gone downhill from there. Robbie Williams wisely tells Lloyd to avoid the high notes, whilst Brian "Vortex of Relevance" Friedman says rehearsals were a disaster. Do we think perhaps we're seeing Lloyd set up for the pity vote? *cough*Scott Bruton*cough*

21:17
Is there a reason he's grinning like a complete buffoon through Cry Me A River? Perhaps he can hear how fucking dreadful he sounds, and is struggling to keep a straight face. This shit is worse than Kandy Rain.

21:18
Louis mentions Wales. DRINK! It's like United Kingdom bingo. We just need England and Northern Ireland for a full house.

21:20
Lucie Jones is lying about loving everything Robbie has done, for NO-ONE can have loved Rudebox. Still, we can overlook that, given how ace she is. That said, she's doing a Leona Lewis song, so that's all subject to change.

21:21
Well, it's not a Leona Lewis song anyone knows, anyway. FIRST KEY CHANGE OF THE EVENING!!! Drink!!

21:24
Cheryl commends Lucie for tackling Leona - the mental image of Lucie rugby-tackling Leona to the ground, which she then describes as "amaaazing", is something to behold. Simon remarks that Leona hitting the big notes is what she's all about. Well, it's certainly not about enthralling us with her infectious personality, is it?

21:26
And as Dermot gives John & Edward a mere mention going into break, the chorus of boos already begins. This won't be pretty. *books ringside seat for the carnage*

21:31
And so it begins. John & Edward, the cockiest little shits ever to grace the X Factor stage - and unbelievably, that includes Simon Cowell - are up. Louis has likened them, in seriousness, to Boyzone. And as if to prove the point that they're the worst idea anyone in music has had since Vanilla, they're singing Rock DJ. There's just not enough irony in the world to excuse this.

21:36
Cheryl to John & Edward: "You can't sing. Fact." AWESOME. When did she become worthwhile? Louis is claiming people in Ireland can't vote, which means we just need to disable the telephone exchange in Cricklewood, and a few households in the Southport region, and we're safe.

21:37
Dermot says John & Edward deserve a round of applause for coming from Dublin. Well, I'm equal parts Kinnegad and Sligo. I must get a ticker-tape parade, then.

21:40
Joe McSomething-Or-Other, who is Cheryl's wee Geordie foster babby, is singing No Regrets in the style of a Billy Elliott auditionee. Love, if you want a kid that badly, get on Ashley and get squelchy. Don't waste a place in the finals which could've gone to Duane. Still, he's better than Lloyd, and based on tonight's performances, even better than Rikki.

21:44
Yes, Cheryl, we get that you and Joe are both from the North-East. Leave the desperation-tinged geography lesson to Louis.

21:49
Oh look. It's best first auditionee ever, bestest singer in the world, and hope of the human race, Fucking Danyl. He can't even spell his own name, and we're expected to like him? Sod off with yer bad spelling and yer bug eyes.

21:50
Dermot shouts at Simon. We've always liked Dermot.

21:51
Oh fucksticks. He's singing And I'm Telling You, which has somehow become the official anthem for this series. Christ, this guy's face gets more and more slappable by the second.

21:54
Louis tells Danyl he's overconfident and the least likeable contestant. Dannii basically calls him a big ol' faggot. Cheryl points out his cockiness. THIS IS AMAZING. Simon's pants are in such a twist they're pretty much doing 150 RPM, and Danyl himself is on the verge of tears. This, ladies and gents, is what we call 'a result'.

21:59
Recap: Rachel, being first up, is off home. Kandy Rain were syphilistastic. Jamie, Lucie and Miss Frank were disappointing. Cheryl's boys sucked balls - at least two of them, we imagine, literally. John & Edward were every inch the train wreck they deserved to be. Stacey pwned. Danyl is scum, something which three of the judges clearly agree with us on. And Simon Cowell's status as one of the richest men in the music industry is put into question yet again. Quite a first show, we think you'll agree. See you tomorrow for the results show!