This week's Celebrity News by Desperate Housewives' Mary-Alice

Death. It’s a funny old thing. Mourning, flowers, embalming fluid. But it has its upside – voiceover work. Yes... had I not died, I would never have been able to claim the title of World’s Most Condescending Ghost.

Yes... The Sloppy Dog is quite the popular read over in the netherworld. So I’m taking a break from my running commentary on Wisteria Lane’s shenanigans (which in fairness, have gone downhill lately) to provide you lucky mortals with this week’s Celebrity News.

Marriage. Sometimes we all need that one person who knows us inside and out [cue montage of embracing characters]. But sadly not Eminem, who has divorced his Hooters-class wifebag for a second time. Yes... sometimes we all need that one parasite to get the hell out of the trailer.

Lynette Scavo got more than she bargained for when she returned to work. Perhaps she could give some advice to Take That, who have apparently signed a brand new record deal this week. Take That had a song called I Found Heaven – I found it too, and not just in a metaphor. It’s somewhat overrated, to be honest. Yes... even Heaven would be improved by a Krispy Kreme Factory Shop.

And finally, Mariah Carey is said to be launching a fragrance. Were I the type of person to stab another woman, chop her into pieces, stuff her in a toy chest and dump it in a lake, she'd be top of my list. Yes... sometimes we all need to plunge a knife into the empty black heart of a caterwauling banshee.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to provide a judgemental synopsis of next week's show. A tenner says it's Susan falling over and Bree sporting an expression of disapproval.