This week's Celebrity News by Jamie Oliver

It’th a thruggle to balanth being a top-clath chef, a family man, and the self-appointed moral guardian of the entire planet. But I feel it’th important to give thomething to the little people, tho here I am bringing you thith week’th Thelebrity Newth. You’ll have to pardon me if I thpit on you while I thpeak – it’th a curth having a tongue like a whole joint of gammon.

Congratulationth to Tom Cruithe and his doe-eyed puppet of a beard, Katie Holmth, on the birth of their firtht child, Thuri. Thankth to Thientology, poor ol’ Katie apparently wathn’t allowed to thcream during the birth, and Tom hath declared that he’ll be tucking into the plathenta – that’d be pukka with maple thyrup and my buffalo mozzarella.

Thpeaking of famouth bloketh called Tom, Tom Hankth has revealed planth to do a thcreen adaptathion of the Abba muthical Mamma Mia. My mithuth Julth lovth a bit of Abba, she doeth. I’ll bet Tom Cruithe lovth Abba an’ all.

And thpeaking of queenth, a lovely ‘appy birfday to me ol’ china The Queen, who turned 80 thith week. Bleth her jewel-encruthted cottonth, but the ol’ dear ain’t a patch on me nan (you remember ‘er, from me adverth on the telly – available for club appearantheth, photo thigningth and thupermarket openingth).